metasoma

i really don't have much of any motivation to post here tbh
its just like
i have been feeling like shit on a pretty regular basis again and im not taking care of it
or anything
i havent done anything since i got home in feb. because it's easier to just not fuss and argue with my parents about how i'm scared they'll die before i am able to take care of myself. most people my age have the opposite problem wtf.

this week i have got to make calls and find a therapist in BMT tho because i've been having more frequent panic attacks again and i'm getting to be constantly drained of energy.
its awkward. i want to catch up with people like eugene's parents and my cousins but i literally don't have anything to talk about. i have no news on what's been going on in my life.

anyway
i can't stay on tumblr for long now because the santa barbara shooting has been seriously getting under my skin. i'm not in danger because i'm not a woman and even if i was, i'm a fat and ugly one so no dudebro is gonna get pissy about me, and (i think) i don't have autism or aspergers or any more vilified mental illnesses.

so what's going on is my feelings of sympathy are out of control again.

if i had a super power it would be empathy and i would be grimdark and brooding

idk its like i can't gather the energy to be mad instead of afraid any more